‘C’mere, what’s the story with getting married in Vegas?’

It’s getting testy on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Are Going on a Classier City Break Than You. Clodagh_MadeOfMoney said she hates Dublin more than a bad wedgie, but you can’t beat it for a city break if you want to show people that you have money to throw away on any old shite. 

Fifi_SizeMinus1 said soz now but I lose the will to live half-way up the M8 and it’s not like someone with my looks can take the train, so it’s flights out of Cork airport for me all the way. I said, that’s all very well Fifi but it’s a nightmare trying to find a flight that isn’t riddled with Norries, my sister just flew back from Paris and had to endure a hen-party singing Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi in a Ballyvolane accent. 

No one answered me because the word is out that my other sister is after putting her daughter down for Christ The King, we’re mortified. But that did get me thinking Audrey. Surely there must be other airports in Munster where you can get a city-break flight without spending two hours cooped up with a shower of Norries. 

I couldn’t be bothered looking these flights up because I have a sense of entitlement like everyone else who went to Regina Mundi. Is there any chance you could find a flight out of Kerry or Shannon? 

– Jenni, Douglas Road.

My cousin has a job as a travel agent because there are still people like you who can’t figure out how to use Skyscanner. I said, do Cork people travel out of Kerry airport at this time of year? She said no. I said, why? She said, because it’s slurry spreading season and you’d come back smelling like someone from Macroom.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. My niece is staying with me at the moment and Jesus I’m driven mad from her. Worse again, it’s my own fault. I met her at a christening last week and she told me that she’s doing a PhD inside in UCC on the eating habits of cavemen. I said, why don’t you come down and stay with me, you’d be able to do some very valuable research on the crowd in Scartaglin. 

Well didn’t she arrive yesterday and I knew it was going to be trouble from the get-go because she was propped up in an electric car, like Eamon Ryan. That’s bound to antagonise us down here in Ballydesmond, we’re huge fans of the diesel. She brought her own dinner as well, beans and pulses and nuts, the kind of meal you’d give to a fecking robin. 

I brought her out on the pull with myself and Berna and didn’t she start making eyes at this lad even though it was crystal clear he’s only from Kiskeam. He came over to me at one stage, pissed as the man from Boherbue and said, “Your niece said she is ethically non-monogamous – what’s that tell me?” Well, didn’t I rear up at him because I didn’t know and I felt embarrassed. So what is it, tell me? 

– Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My neighbour has a PhD in Dating Terms, it’s just a pity he can’t find a boyfriend. I said, what does ethically non-monogamous mean? He said, it basically means you’re not one bit guilty that you’re sleeping around. I said, why don’t you just tell people you’re from Inishannon?

C’mere, what’s the story with getting married in Vegas? The old doll caught me messaging my ex last week so I panicked and proposed to her on the spot. (The old doll now, not the ex, that would have made things worse.) She said fantastic Dowcha Donie, let’s get it done by an Elvis impersonator like Kourtney Kardashian did during the week. 

I said, why do we have to copy everything the Kardashians do, me Mam still hasn’t forgiven me for releasing a sex-tape? She said, we can go to Vegas or go back to talking about you messaging your ex Donie, take your pick. So we’re going to Vegas. The big problem now is that me Mam is a demon for the slots – do you think I should tell her to stay at home? 

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I had the exact same problem when I got married in Vegas. I said to my mother, I’m worried about your gambling. She said, my gambling?? You’re the one getting married to a guy from the Skehard Road. #MyConor #IMarriedDown

Guten Tag. All this talk of mountain walks by Charlie Bird got us talking about doing one at work. I said, let’s climb Cork’s tallest mountain and this woman from Kerry said, Cork mountains are useless like, you have to go to Kerry. 

Then this guy from Tipperary said don’t mind her, the Galtees are the best, and then this Waterford guy said something about the Comeraghs and we all laughed at him because the Waterford accent is highly comical. So, what is the best mountain to climb if you live in Cork city? 

-Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig.

My sister is in a hill-walking group, it’s less traumatic than going on Bumble. I rang her there asked, what would you say to someone looking for a mountain to climb around Cork? She replied, bring me with you, the guys in my walking group are as attractive as diarrhoea.